Bonfire!

Last week we had a few perfect weather days and decided to have family over for smores!  It was a perfect evening and I wish the pictures would have turned out clearer....

This one cracked me up!  I don't think Caleb liked the smoke...or maybe the camera flash.

An attempt with all of the boys (minus Levi who was already in bed).

A Serious Post...That is Long

I am not one to typically write on serious topics, but I feel like I am supposed to share all this.

God has recently given me two different things to work on in my life - emotional peace and forgiveness.  Today, they both collided.  Let me back up and explain.  I mentioned in my previous post that I have struggled with depression over the last few months.  I was an emotional mess.  I felt hopeless, and on top of that - guilty.  Guilty for feeling so down when I really didn't have a good reason to.  I mean, I just had a healthy beautiful baby boy.  My husband is faithful and loving.  My boys are sweet, smart, creative, and healthy.  I have a wonderful family.  Best friends that I can be real with.  You name it.  I am blessed, and I knew that.  I still couldn't shake the yucky feeling that everything was pointless.  I could hold it all together for a while and then all these jumbled up feelings came out in my actions. . . and not actions that I was proud of.  Which led to more guilt. . . .and more hopelessness that I could never change.

Since I am a reader, God often puts verses, books, sermons, quotes, etc in front of my face when He wants to get my attention.  So, you can guess what I have been reading a lot about lately.  I just finished an amazing story on forgiveness last night (that my friend just "happened" to give me).   My daily devotional has been on finding hope in Him and allowing His truth to guide my emotions.  

I have seen progress in my life, but I had the opportunity to test my growth in both of these areas today.  Levi is teething and wants me to hold him. . . oh most of the day.  Caleb has a fever and cold, so he wants to be held or is clinging to my legs.  Josiah is potty-training, so I am running back and forth to the potty with him (with a baby on my hip or even nursing at one point!).  Joel wants me to look at the letters he is writing.  Every. Single. One. Of. Them.  Starting with the letter "A".  I am holding it all together pretty well considering the circumstances.  I make a pot of chili and some homemade cornbread for dinner.  Tim arrives home from work and we all head to the table for dinner.  Caleb starts crying because his head hurts.  Levi screams every time I put him down.  Josiah wants ice for his water.  And Joel says "Yuck!" when he sees his bowl of chili.  That was the last straw.  I wish I could say that I gracefully handled this, but I didn't.  I lost it.  I threw the baby seat tray across the room.  

A few minutes of recovery, and then the guilt started sinking in.  I felt terrible for blowing up.  Won't I ever change?  How come everyone else manages to calmly handle bad days?  I asked God for forgiveness.  I had to ask my kids to forgive me for losing my temper.  I asked Tim for forgiveness.  They all readily gave it to me and moved on without another thought about it.  

I went upstairs and kept replaying the whole scene in my head.  Wondering if all my kid's memories would be of me throwing a tray across the room.  And then I realized that I was not forgiving myself.  I was wondering why I just read that book on forgiveness when I couldn't think of anyone that I needed to forgive.  Oh! It's me!  Now I see how all this is tying together.  In order to have true hope (which leads to stable emotions), I need to believe ALL of His promises.  I am going back to the basics of my faith.  He has forgiven me and made me a new creation.  I am changing and growing (sometimes too slow for my liking) to be a woman of patience and never-ending joy and hope.  

Below is a verse that I wrote down a few months ago and posted above my computer:  

"Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood, and the gall!  My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore have hope:  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:19-23    

Ahhh...do you see it?  The author is struggling with a mess of negative emotions and then the guilt that goes with them.    So he, too, goes back to the basics of our faith.  God's love, mercy, and faithfulness are what we have to trust when all else seems hopeless.  

Mannequin Etiquette

After an extremely long sabbatical from blogging, I am back!  It is an impossible project to go back and cover the last 7 months, so I'll just summarize.  Levi was born on March 29.  He turned my world upside down.  I struggled with an extreme lack of sleep, some post-partum depression, and I questioned my faith in God.  I could not understand why I felt so hopeless when I knew my life was and is so blessed.  It has been a daily process, but I have finally turned the corner and found hope in the goodness of God again.  I am so thankful for my husband, family, and friends that have listened (to my crazy talk), supported, and prayed for me over the past few months.

Levi is just over 7 months old.  He is a baby full of personality; a momma's boy who is already on the move.  His favorite spot is perched up high in my arms so he can keep an eye on all the action and entertainment provided by his brothers.   He is loud.  A screamer when mad; a talker when happy.  He sucks his two middle fingers just like Caleb did.  He brings many smiles to our faces and is a sweet snuggle-bug.  

So now, you ask, what prompted this blog today and what is up with the title?  Well, I realized I need to capture some of the little things before they are forgotten.  Today provided a couple of those moments.  This morning I took the 3 younger boys to the mall.  I have set foot in the mall maybe twice this entire year, the boys maybe once.  On the way there, Caleb kept asking me what a "mall" was.  The first thing that caught their eyes were the mannequins.  Caleb peeked under a girl mannequin's skirt to "see if she had a bottom."  Josiah would hug each one and caress their legs.  It cracked me up and embarrassed me all at the same time!

The highlight of our time there, though, was when we came out of the bathroom, and Josiah walked up to the first mannequin he saw to give it his mandatory affection . . .only to realize that it was not a mannequin but a real person.  Thankfully the man took it well and laughed.  And Josiah gave him a surprised, but friendly "HI!"  I think we will be having mannequin etiquette classes around our house before we attempt a mall outing again.

Caleb's Masterpiece

Caleb made this delightful piece of work at church today while I was in a meeting.  

From left to right, Caleb, Daddy, Mommy, and the new baby. 

Here are the artist's descriptions of his drawing:

"Daddy is working at his work.  He has a lot of earwax. 

 Daddy is very big, because he is a very, very big man."

"Mommy's looking at daddy's puter.  Josiah is in mommy's tummy kicking.

She has a fat tummy because there is lots of water in there."

"The baby is sad because she thinks we all leaved without her.  

She doesn't have arms or hair because her arms and hair are growing."

"Joel is at home sleeping in his bed."

And yes, my genius child did write his own name at the top. :)

Sandbox Time

This week is officially Spring Break . . . which doesn't mean too much other than that Joel is out of pre-k for the week and many of my friends are out of town.  We have had amazingly warm weather so we have spent lots of time at the parks around town.
This evening we met Papa and Grammy Hayes at Lake Lenexa for some playtime.  Each time we go, it seems that someone has generously (or accidentally) left more sandbox buckets and shovels for the kids to play with.  Going to this park guarantees baths for everyone!

Songs for Jesus

Caleb seems to be transitioning out of naps.  He still goes back and forth (I think it depends on how early Joel wakes him up in the morning), but for the last 3 days he hasn't napped.  I still have him lie down for "alone time" which he actually seems to enjoy.  Today when I went in to get him up, here is our dialogue:
Me:  No nap today?
Caleb:  We have been singing songs.
Me:  Who was singing?
Caleb:  Me and Bear. (his bear from Build-a-Bear)
Me:  Can I hear your songs?
Caleb:  No.  They are different songs.  (Whispering) It's a secret.  Songs for Jesus.
Me:  That is special.  I think Jesus loves your songs.
Caleb:  Yep!

That made my heart melt!  I may have to sneak up there and listen to one of his songs soon . . . :)

Back to Christmas - Part II

We left Texas and drove back home on Wednesday.  After throwing all our stuff into the house and packing up some more Christmas presents, we headed over to the Hayes' home to spend time with all of Tim's family.  

I think we will need a bigger couch for next year's cousin pic!  

NINE kiddos 4 and under!

Taking advantage of the warmer-than-usual holidays at the park.

2012 Preggos

Trying out the new chairs . . . it looks a bit intense.

 Holding one of my sweet new nephews!

A sure way to get a little adult talk time . . . movie time!

The time went by way too quickly and was cut short by a bout of the stomach virus hitting most of the family.  It is the classic way to end a great holiday spent with family :)