A Serious Post...That is Long

I am not one to typically write on serious topics, but I feel like I am supposed to share all this.

God has recently given me two different things to work on in my life - emotional peace and forgiveness.  Today, they both collided.  Let me back up and explain.  I mentioned in my previous post that I have struggled with depression over the last few months.  I was an emotional mess.  I felt hopeless, and on top of that - guilty.  Guilty for feeling so down when I really didn't have a good reason to.  I mean, I just had a healthy beautiful baby boy.  My husband is faithful and loving.  My boys are sweet, smart, creative, and healthy.  I have a wonderful family.  Best friends that I can be real with.  You name it.  I am blessed, and I knew that.  I still couldn't shake the yucky feeling that everything was pointless.  I could hold it all together for a while and then all these jumbled up feelings came out in my actions. . . and not actions that I was proud of.  Which led to more guilt. . . .and more hopelessness that I could never change.

Since I am a reader, God often puts verses, books, sermons, quotes, etc in front of my face when He wants to get my attention.  So, you can guess what I have been reading a lot about lately.  I just finished an amazing story on forgiveness last night (that my friend just "happened" to give me).   My daily devotional has been on finding hope in Him and allowing His truth to guide my emotions.  

I have seen progress in my life, but I had the opportunity to test my growth in both of these areas today.  Levi is teething and wants me to hold him. . . oh most of the day.  Caleb has a fever and cold, so he wants to be held or is clinging to my legs.  Josiah is potty-training, so I am running back and forth to the potty with him (with a baby on my hip or even nursing at one point!).  Joel wants me to look at the letters he is writing.  Every. Single. One. Of. Them.  Starting with the letter "A".  I am holding it all together pretty well considering the circumstances.  I make a pot of chili and some homemade cornbread for dinner.  Tim arrives home from work and we all head to the table for dinner.  Caleb starts crying because his head hurts.  Levi screams every time I put him down.  Josiah wants ice for his water.  And Joel says "Yuck!" when he sees his bowl of chili.  That was the last straw.  I wish I could say that I gracefully handled this, but I didn't.  I lost it.  I threw the baby seat tray across the room.  

A few minutes of recovery, and then the guilt started sinking in.  I felt terrible for blowing up.  Won't I ever change?  How come everyone else manages to calmly handle bad days?  I asked God for forgiveness.  I had to ask my kids to forgive me for losing my temper.  I asked Tim for forgiveness.  They all readily gave it to me and moved on without another thought about it.  

I went upstairs and kept replaying the whole scene in my head.  Wondering if all my kid's memories would be of me throwing a tray across the room.  And then I realized that I was not forgiving myself.  I was wondering why I just read that book on forgiveness when I couldn't think of anyone that I needed to forgive.  Oh! It's me!  Now I see how all this is tying together.  In order to have true hope (which leads to stable emotions), I need to believe ALL of His promises.  I am going back to the basics of my faith.  He has forgiven me and made me a new creation.  I am changing and growing (sometimes too slow for my liking) to be a woman of patience and never-ending joy and hope.  

Below is a verse that I wrote down a few months ago and posted above my computer:  

"Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood, and the gall!  My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore have hope:  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:19-23    

Ahhh...do you see it?  The author is struggling with a mess of negative emotions and then the guilt that goes with them.    So he, too, goes back to the basics of our faith.  God's love, mercy, and faithfulness are what we have to trust when all else seems hopeless.